How Being Sexually Abused Continues To Affect How I Feel About Myself

I was sexually abused every summer from the ages of 5 to 8. 

Those three years of sexual abuse have affected and continue to affect my life. 

I want the world to know that these can be some of the feelings that you experience when you are sexually abused. It messes with you for a long, long time. If you're an abuse survivor, this is why you feel the way you feel! You're not alone and you're not a bad person.

I had no idea the impact that abuse had on my life until I was in my 20s when it dawned on my what I was sexually abused. (I talk about that in THIS post.) I thought that I was just a naughty little girl. Growing up and feeling that way has really shaped my self-esteem even now as an adult.

Here's the thing: As a parent, I look at my 5-year-old little girl and I can see how someone could manipulate her into an abuse situation like mine and logically I know she would in no way be "naughty" for being taken advantage of...but for some reason, I can't freely give myself that grace. 

If I'm being completely honest with you, I truly believe that I am a bad person or that people don't like me. And a lot of times, I act out. I will do things so that people won't like me FIRST so that they don't have a chance to reject me. And then I'm proving to myself that I'm a bad person. Not evil, just....bad.

I've had a complex my whole life that people don't like me and that I'm a bad person. I really think this stemmed from my abuse because literally for TWENTY YEARS, I had no idea that I WAS abused. I didn't process it. I didn't get the help I needed. I was engaged in pretty heavy sexual stuff at 5-years-old and I didn't tell anyone because I knew if I did that I would be in huge trouble. (That is something my abuser told me.) 

The reality is, I would not have been in huge trouble. My mom would have done ANYTHING to help me.

Approximately 73% of child victims do not disclose the abuse for a year or more, and 45% do not disclose it until more than five years have passed. Many victims of childhood sexual abuse never tell anyone about the abuse. (Source)

For 20 years, I thought I was bad because I thought I had made these huge sexual mistakes at age 5. That's a huge burden for a kindergartener--or any child!--to carry around. It shaped and continues to shape how I feel about myself. 

If you're reading this and feeling similar things, PLEASE reach out and get some help. 


 

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) offers an online hotline as well as a telephone crisis line. If you are in crisis or need to help someone who is, call RAINN now at (800) 656-HOPE. Most cities also offer rape crisis centers, which offer support, information, and counseling to survivors.

To find your local center, click here.

     

    When you are an abuse survivor, you desperately crave getting some control back into your life. Some of that control can come in unhealthy ways like self-sabotage and rejecting people before they reject me. On the other hand, being able to use natural remedies to help control negative self-talk and uplift my mood has been extremely powerful for me. Not to mention creating my own successful business. I often say it's the best self-help program I've ever been a part of. 100% EMPOWERING!

    If you've never tried essential oils before, please send me a message and I will get you a free sample of my favorites to try on your journey of healing. 

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